I strongly prefer secondary status, or comet or FWB, and choose partners who are either married and hierarchical or solo and not looking to entangle or see me much at all. I’m too busy with my career, friends, hobbies and my child to offer more than that. My relationships will never offer the kind of escalation or entanglement you describe wanting because I put ME first, and I just don’t want that.

I tell people what I have to offer up front: I have 2-3 eves a month, I don’t do sleepovers, I don’t entangle or escalate. And many are disappointed (or become disappointed) that I’m not offering more. Too bad for them. No one has the right to my time and energy. I have what time I have, and more is just not on offer, period. This is no different than someone prioritizing their marriage.

The kind of ever-evolving change in relationships that egalitarian poly brings is suitable for the young and unencumbered, but not for someone with half a century of poly under their belt, kids, businesses and significant assets, and very little time to date.

If you don’t want limits on your relationship, don’t date people who put limits on your relationship. Vetting is a thing. It’s that easy. No need for the self righteous soap box.